Hello!!! Been feeling kinda sad so i decided to revisit this site and my blog entries. its interesting to read what i wrote a year ago. In some its really optimistic but at times edgy (stop crying about being miserable!!!!)(im probably about to do the same in here and then ill think its edgy in some months) also wow i was so obsessive about toby fox. I mean im still obsessive but i recently thought "its probably not healthy to obsess this much over a real person" so i kinda forced myself to not indulge so much on my obssesions. But now i feel empty without it. Without it I face the reality that nothing really happens in my life aside from school. My friends have their own drama with their friends yknow fights happen,they have partners,meet up with each other after school, and im just an spectator of the people i know. Its been this way since childhood but ive just now realized how much part of my life revolves around whatever im obssesed with. Maybe i should go back to when i spent my free time searching for anything toby fox had made pre undertale and was always alert for any new thing he has done. I might be good, I was so much happy when i indulged in my obssesion.and now im choosing between happyness or what would probably be more healthy. agggggg what sould i doooo. maybe i should convince myself again that working for toby fox IS posible and that its my main goal in life (that is probably unhealthy but i need a goal to keep myself living and i havent found any other goal that motivates me as much) Maybe to keep it from becoming unhealthy i should put some rules, like for example: no looking for personal information of toby fox, no matter how big my curiosity or urge is. That would be a good start!
Ghaaaaa im sick of feeling tired all the timeeee. Its probably been like 3 monthssss. I just feel so drained and unable to do anything that isnt school and even in school i sleep when im not having classes. my days have been going to school, sleep, maybe watch tv or read a book, sleep again and thats it. its not like i did much before but atleast i had more energy and didnt feel sad and tired all the timeeee.
A turning point in my childhood was in third grade when the friend who i most admired turned out to be the one who hated me the most. i found out through my cousin that was in the voleyball team with that friend of mine. apparently she made fun of me behind my back and even in front of me, but i never realized. and that experience of trusting someone to then find out that they really really hate me keeps repeating. how is it easier to hang out with someone while making fun of them than simply refusing to hang out with them! i dont get it. i dont get people. i dont get the way they communicate. im tired of always being the last choice. im really scared of my current group secretly hating me. this time they comunicate when i get too touchy and when they dont want hugs and explain to me when something isnt appropiate to do or say. it feels as if they understand how to communicate with me. but even when they seem so caring the fear of losing them is still there.
Well, ive concluded this session of writing down my feelings. i cold be back in a week or in 4 months! it depends heavily on my emocional state. good bye and have a good day or night!
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